Conscientious citizens across eastern Ontario dashed to their kitchens this week, eager to aid police in their pursuit of a band of hoodlums who, investigators believed, had likely left a hot clue that any hard-boiled investigator could crack, if he could just look into the refrigerator of every home in the region.
The earnest news release issued by Ontario Provincial Police on March 18 documents the dastardly deeds. It describes, in horrific detail, that three houses in Carleton Place, a bucolic town a half hour drive from Ottawa, were attacked by cream-pie and egg-wielding barbarians. Anyone who has knowledge of the identities of the perpetrators is urged to turn them in, and, given the reasonable investigative assumption that acts were committed by youthful felons, there’s an entreaty to moms and dads: “Parents, if you have an unexplained absence of eggs in your home,” contact police.
You have to read it to believe it. Here’s the news release (highlighting added):
In the release, police reveal they have identified “potential suspects.” You have to wonder if investigators will seek search warrants to raid the fridges of those suspects, seeking inculpatory evidence, namely the “unexplained absences of eggs.”